This atmosphere is chilling to the bone;
a world of sorrow orbits all alone.
The air is heavy even though it’s dry.
The willow shudders, letting out a sigh.
Has Isothermal given up for good?
The ice is cracking where we both once stood.
I’m slipping as I’m also reaching out,
while chocking on the words I’d like to shout.
If things continue down this path of doom,
and emptiness leads pressure to consume,
what can be done to fill the empty air;
those pockets in between hope and despair?
I must breathe in and fill my lungs with hope.
"A world of sorrow orbits all alone" reminds me entirely of "White Widow" - the song that I did the feature to on deviantart "The World Spins." It goes beyond a student writing sample and sounds VERY professional and profound.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this poem! It's beautiful; and you did the same thing I did: this would be a heroic couplet except it's trochaic and not iambic! haha So, another unheroic couplet; chalk one up for the writing gals. ;)
HAHAHA nevermind, it is iambic; I'm so tired I didn't think ... so it IS a heroic couplet. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I didn't even realize this was a heroic couplet!
ReplyDeleteYou asked me about the pressure part when you critiqued this for me. The image I was trying to convey is that without internal body pressure, the atmosperic pressure would crush us. Thus: if left empty, we will be consumed. It's a play on technical terms versus terms of (un)endearment. I tend to do that with prompt writing.
This is my entry for Liebler's "Air" contest. One thing I wish I'd paid better attention to is the fact the he and the group he hangs with prefer free verse. There's always the next two books, right?
haha at least you submitted something. I forgot all about it.
ReplyDeleteYou know, reading it a second and third time I didn't even question the pressure aspect. I understood it. So, I don't know what happened there. ;)
I think it's great for the Air theme. You should do a piece for each element!